put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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