I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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