I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
