just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
