Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
