I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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