What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
