my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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