im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
two words: eviction party
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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