alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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