The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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