Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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