Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
