Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
