like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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