wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
