he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
