hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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