She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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