Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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