Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
