You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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