no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
