i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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