I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
