dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
