My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
