Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
