Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I did not marry a roomba.
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