we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
