I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
