I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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