im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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