i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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