I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
