Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
