You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
