Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
