Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
