I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
