and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
