True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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