I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
