She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
