i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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