is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.