Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
there is glitter all over my balls
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
