i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
