Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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