i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
