he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Randomize
