This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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