I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
